Yes I’m Cool! A Tongue-in-Cheek look at Language and Internet ‘Shortcuts’

I’ve heard that there are rumours out there that would have you believe that I am un-cool! Haircut and the way I dress aside, this ‘urban myth’ apparently stems from the fact that I refuse to use abbreviations and acronyms in all my electronic communications. To that I say lol! Big lol indeed! Even ROFL!
The reason I refuse to do so has nothing to do with being un-cool. Far from it! In fact, as I'll eventually demonstrate, doing so would be counterproductive to coolness and so you can trust that I will continue to strongly advocate proper usage and to ‘rebel’ against the continued use of shortened forms on the Internet! Why? Sure, I can lie and tell you that it’s because continued usage of ‘shortcuts’ impoverishes language skills and the ability to communicate properly, especially in the business community – and I do in fact believe that this is true. But in all honesty, I personally don’t give a FF if you can’t write or express yourself properly. Yippy for me! Just as long as you can read what I write, then I’m happy…

I could also tell you that the use of abbreviations and acronyms is all part of some big conspiracy cooked up by the Bush family (amongst others) and CERN, where top scientists are mandated to develop new implementation tactics for the SYSTEM TWAP project, the Secret Yokelization Scheme To Equally Manipulate The World and All People. This project, inspired by Orwell's deterministic "newspeak," aims to reduce our abilty to properly communicate ideas and concepts thus making us easier to 'control.' Introducing infomercials was part of phase 1, phase 2 focuses on Internet shortcuts...
Yes, that's right! SYSTEM TWAP; you’ve never heard of it because it’s secret (it’s the first word in the acronym, remember)!

Sure, I can feed you all of the above and even provide scientific facts to defend my case – well except for the SYSTEM TWAP part; already I fear that my life may be at risk once the CIA reads this post, but, as I am true to THE cause, I strongly believe that the people have a right to know!

But, in all honesty, the real reason why I don’t use or encourage the use of abbreviations and acronyms on the Internet is that I absolutely do not want any of them to catch on and become acceptable forms in English! Why? Simple; I usually get paid by the word! If I were to root for all the shortened expressions that are so popular today, that would be tantamount to a porn star getting penile or breast reduction surgery!!! Just doesn’t make sense! In that business, the more you got, the longer it is, the bigger the pay! Well duh! It’s the same thing for writing when you get paid by the word or page.

Think about it; if I were to use ‘BTW’ instead of ‘by the way’, at 15 cents a word that’s a 30 cents difference. So now why would I want to participate in some sort of harebrained scheme that results in an even greater amount of undecipherable texts on the World Wide Web (don't you see the link? CERN, World Wide Web…World Wide…and Web… all part of SYSTEM TWAP I tell you) and smaller pay-cheques for me.
If this trend continues and the accepted and preferred writing style entails that a 2000-word text can be expressed using only 789 words, then that would mean having to take a 61 percent cut in pay on my part… now that is way un-cool!!!
But, just to appease all of you and prove that it’s a matter of personal choice and not due to some sort of lexical deficiency on my part, I’ll now write something in ‘geek-speak.’ Yes, geek-speak! That’s the term I’m trying to push, hoping it catches on in order to deter all those non-nerds and non-nerd-wannabes from using shortened speech in their communications.

Anyway, here goes:

1. Eye…euh…no wait…let’s start over.

1. (take two) I TYS. Now d u Bleav dat I can b just as ;) as u BC 1 2 can rite līk dis! KWIM? NE1 CDI. IOW DUH D HD NNKD IYS KJH OIC! LOL!!!

Here’s the translation for you normal people:

2. I told you so. Now do you believe that I can be just as cool as you because I too can write like this! Know what I mean? Anyone can do it. In other words this is stupid.

Unfortunately, after the word stupid (that’s: after the word “stupid” i.e. DUH in version 1, and not: after the word, stupid – just making sure so I don’t get angry letters), the rest is unfortunately unclear; either I don’t remember what I wrote or I think my cat may have strolled across the keyboard while I was in the kitchen… Any how this kinda makes my point regarding the unintelligentcialitionality (what?! It's a word) of using such forms…

Now, here is the proper way to write those same five sentences as in 2, but with maximum profit in mind:

3. Yes! I did in fact tell you so, didn’t I? And since at this point in your life there no longer is any reason to warrant further self-delusion, you must hence come to the conclusion that I, beyond the common banalities of equal standing and of equal rights in this fair world that is ours, that I too can be just as cool or trendy as you and anyone else befitting this description since I too have been blessed with the ability to express myself not only through writing, but, and more specific to the subject at hand, by writing in a way that relies on abbreviations and acronyms. You, no doubt, can appreciate and fully understand the point I am trying to make. Truth be told – should I be so vain as to believe that what I speak is indeed the undeniable truth on the matter – all of god’s creatures are equipped with the same reasoning faculties thus enabling them to express themselves using shortened or abbreviated forms. Unfortunately, to do so i.e. to write in such a manner, shines light upon what should, without any reservation or uncertainty, be considered indolent behavior.

Let’s analyze all of this.

At 15 cents a word, number 1 gives me $3.75, number 2 pays $4.80, and number three reaps in $19.25.

Viewed this way, now you tell me which is the coolest…

So you see! I’m not anal-retentive! I’m cool.

Down with geek-speak. Abolish Abbreviations! Kill Acronyms! And most importantly, join your local chapter of the Internet Coalition Against Internet Shortcuts To Help In The Fight Against The Secret Yokelization Scheme To Equally Manipulate The World and All People (ICAISTHINTFATSYSTEMTWAP). I take donations!

Keep on clicking!


© Pascal-Denis Lussier 2008

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very Funny piece. Yes, I can see Bush nehind something like that, but the people at CERN are too smart to collaborate with him.

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